Today I should be celebrating. I've been happily married to the most amazing man in the world for 11 years. But, I'm not celebrating. Instead, I am about to go back to the OB for "the shot" you know - the one that removes the unborn child that I have wanted for so long from my fallopian tube. Imagine my surprise to find that we were pregnant (this I found out on my 35th b-day) only to pretty much "feel" something wasn't right. I just knew. I had the early symptoms - food aversions, smell aversions, nasuea and yes! bigger boobs! But the pain in my side and back were relentless. I woke up last Friday to the worst pain in my back and bleeding. The ER Doc said there was no sign of a pregnancy in the ultrasound she did, however, my HCG levels were on the rise. So, knowing she wasn't an OB, she informed me to take it easy for the weekend and see my Dr in 48 hours. I did. I wish I hadn't. My husband and I made peace with the loss of our child over the weekend. We cried, we prayed, we laughed. We were ready to move on, daily, as we could. Yesterday the Dr told me I was still pregnant - with the bombshell that the baby (we have now started calling JR - a combo of the first initials we would have used. Boy or Girl) was in my right tube and couldn't be saved. So. My JR, that I had already imagined in my Father's arms in Heaven was/is still in my body? Today we go in to begin the process of removal. Today I must again start to make sense and peace with it all. My husband woke up today in tears. He wishes for me (and for himself I am sure) that THIS day wasn't already marked. Will we ever celebrate the love we share or will THIS day never be a happy one for us again? We are truly blessed, I have to include, that we have an 8 yr old beautiful daughter who'm we can look at and be thankful for. Should we mark this day with acknowledgement that God IS, and that His plan is His plan - not ours, and that we are a family - no matter how many children we do or don't have?
The emotional pain is too much. It overwhelms me at times, and other times I find myself actually smiling and forgetting the physical pain. That's when I get angry at myself. Angry for allowing myself to love a child that was so early in life, allowing myself to smile or laugh if I did love this child so much. I have never been quite so lost.
Happy anniversary dear husband.