Not In Mood Honey

Posted by Lachmi Deb Roy on Fri, Feb 4, 2011  
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For married couples with busy job schedules sex isn’t what it used to be. 

When Anil Chatterjee, 28, a naval officer and Priyadarshiny Bose, 25, an advertising professional, tied the knot, friend and families were overjoyed for this couple. Successful, ambitious, independent with a high-flying job profile and a seven figure salary, Anil and Priyadarshini’s marriage seemed to be like a fairytale, until Priyadarshini returned to her parent’s house eight months after marriage, depressed and wanting a divorce from Anil. The reason being that Anil was unable to perform on bed. Initially she waited thinking that things would improve, but all was in vain. Anil used to go for long sailings frequently and when ever he was on port he used to come back late and just hit the bed and pass off.  He did not even try to have sex. Things between them became so strained that there was no option left for Priyadarshini, but to end the marriage for good.


Does this sound familiar? Well this is what the hip and happening couples to day are facing. Remember the acronym "Yuppies," for young urban professionals? Or "DINKS" -- dual-income, no-kids couples? Here's a new one: DINS -- for dual-income, no-sex couples. By day they sweat it out in boardroom meetings, and at night chill out at happening bars and restaurants. They own swanky cars and lead a zing-setting life style. They are India shining at its brightest. They are everybody’s envy. They are India’s dual income career couples whose life seems picture perfect with well turned out looks and radiant smile, but behind their smile is a bit of strain which others fail to notice.


It may not be a new condition, but the DIN syndrome has become one of the most common sociological problems suffered by the high flying double income couples. It is one of the hazards of modern day living- the strain of managing two careers and a relationship means that there is practically no time left for sex.


Behind the glaze of money and success are a slew of sex related problems- menstrual disturbances, erectile dysfunction, low sperm count, downsized libidos and infertility. Long hours of work, punctuated with large doses of caffeine, translates directly into spending less time with the spouse and extended sleepless nights ensures a reduced libido. Unprecedented levels of opportunity and money that city life offers, has resulted in the neglect of personal life. Couples to day are so busy climbing the social ladder that they ignore their personal life completely. They are so carrier oriented that there is professional anxiety that kills them all the time.


“For couples with kids the scene is even worse” says Varkha Chulani, a Mumbai based psychologist. Most working couples lead a very stereotype life style. They leave for work early in the morning and by the time they are back there are household chores and kids to be taken care of.  By the time kids go off to bed they are so dog tired that sex is the last thing that comes to their mind. Varkha  is of the opinion that there most couples think that they genuinely have a sexual dysfunction. “If they have not made love for weeks or say even months together they think that their sex drive has gone for ever.”


Loss of desire due to busy schedules doesn’t mean sexual dysfunction. It is just that you need to put a little bit more effort and every thing will fall in place. And definitely if your mind is some where else and you are physically tired you will lose your libido.   Communication is very important. Couples should try out variety in sex because sexual boredom can lead to sexual death.


Sexless marriages have become a part of today’s life as traffic jams and e-mails. Lets take the case of Srijata Menon, a 36 year old soft ware engineer with two kids, “When I got married to my husband I used to have sex with him every night. After kids every thing changed. There is hardly any time left for our selves. When we go to bed my daughter comes in wanting to sleep with us. Then when she is in deep slumber, my husband’s snoring begins and I have to wake him up and ask him to sleep in the drawing room. So, there is absolutely no question of sex in our life.”


But what is the culprit behind this sexual wasteland? Certainly it is time. Working parents who wish they could spend more time with their kids often compensate by dragging their brood everywhere with them. That means couples are sacrificing sleep and companionship. Parents of infants sometimes stop thinking of themselves as sexual beings altogether.


For Diksha Sha, a house wife with two kids sex had always been a sense of joy long time back when she was newly married. “It helped me recharge my batteries and reconnect with my husband, Darshan.” But teaching aerobics, raising two kids and starting up a business—not to mention cooking, cleaning and renovating the house—left her exhausted. She often went to bed before her husband, and was asleep by the time he joined her. Their once steamy love life slowly cooled. When Darshan wanted to have sex, she would say she was too tired. He tried to be romantic; to set the mood he’d light a candle in their bedroom. “I would see it and say, ‘Oh, God, not that candle’,” Diksha recalls. “It was just the feeling that I had to give something I didn’t have.”


The year after the first child is supposed to be the most difficult period and most divorces happen during this time. “I broke up with my husband Philip  because he did not just take any interest in my new born baby. While I was having sleepless nights calming my baby, feeding him, changing his diapers, my husband was busy watching sex sites on the television,” says Kavita Mathew, a freelance journalist. But Sunaina Chatterjee, a psychologist is of the opinion that parents to day are obsessed with their kids a bit too much. Kids used to take dance classes or go for painting classes once a week, but now parents arrange an array of activities for the whole week- piano lessons, French classes, tennis classes.


Wells DINS and SINKS are one side of the story the Double Income No Kids (DINKS) and Single Income no Kids (SINKS) are the other side of the story. Couples who travel a lot and earn handsome salaries dose not even get to know how eight marriage anniversaries have just passed by. This kind of life style leads to ovulatory dysfunction and menstrual disorder in women.


For men there is decrease in libido, early ejaculation and erectile disorder. These couples are not worried about the frequency of sex, but are worried about the biological clock ticking out of time.  When they visit a gynecologist the first question that is asked is “Do you have sex?” And definitely the answer being positive or rather forced to be positive because couples are ashamed to admit they are put through a series of tests and medication which turns out to be of no use. With couples having sex once in seven days or lets say from Sunday to Sunday the ovulation may not occur for the girl during that period. So she is unable to conceive. Too often couples just overlook the matter thinking that the problems between them will just disappear all of a sudden. But the only thing that will disappear is intimacy and friendship. And it is never too late to put things in order. Couples to day need to just face the issue and start working on their sex lives. After all money cannot buy everything!

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